Why Can't I Have a Marriage Like That?

**If you would like to listen to this blog post, scroll to the bottom for the audio version.

Want to know something I'm not proud of? 

I complain about my spouse. 

Yep.  I try not do it too much with other people (i.e. mainly my girlfriends).  My head on the other hand, that’s a different story.

A month ago I created a post on Facebook that seemed to grab people’s attention.  You can find it here.

Today, I want to expand on that post.  Since Valentine ’s Day is just around the corner, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to remind you (and myself) of a few things about marriage.

I'm going to give you a shocker here..... You can’t control your spouse. 

Nope. 

He’s his own being.  He makes his own decisions.  No matter how much you hint, remind, pester and blatantly ask, he gets to decide his own actions.

I know this is a hard pill to swallow.

Oh, I get it ladies.  This is frustrating.  This is infuriating! 

I hear you saying, "I only ask him to do a few simple things?  Doesn’t he care about me and this house? Shouldn’t he want to do it just because he loves me?"

"It would make me happier which would make our marriage so much better…."

Hard truth here ladies.  Your husband can’t make you happy.  He can’t make your marriage better (at least not by himself).

I mean it ladies.  I know you want to argue with me here, but hear me out. 

Lets say you’ve asked your husband to clean out the dishwasher.  He does it, but doesn’t put anything away were it should be, but you don't know this yet. 

You get home from work and you’re ecstatic!  He put the dishes away!  This is awesome!  Life is looking up because now you might actually get some help around this house.

Next day, you go to the drawer to find the potato peeler.  It’s not there.  You look everywhere for that darn thing and finally find it in the drawer with the Tupperware.  You’re annoyed.

"That is the dumbest place to put it.  Why can’t he just put the dishes away where they belong?  Is it really that hard?  He's lived in this house the same amount of time as me and he still doesn’t know where the peeler goes?!"

Do you see my friends.  Same husband.  Same action.  Totally different feelings. 

What changed?  He did the exact same thing. 

The only thing that changed was your THOUGHT about what he did. 

Please tell me this excites you!  It totally should!  

Why?

Because your thoughts are going to decide how you feel about your husband. NOT HIS ACTIONS! 

So you don’t have to change him.  You just need to decide on what you're going to think. 

Good news, right?  It is waaaaaay easier to change you than him.

One thing though. You can totally be annoyed at your husband for not knowing where the peeler goes.  If that is how you want to feel about your husband go right ahead.  I’m not stopping you. 

But, if you are stuck in a loop of constantly being frustrated, upset, aggravated or disgusted with your husband and you want it to stop, YOU CAN!

Can I get whoop, whoop?

No, this won’t be easy.

Believe me.  I know.

But, truly ladies, you do not have to stay in this negative loop of destruction. 

Do you want to get out? 

Think about it. If your marriage is going strong, don't you feel like you can tackle the kids, work, friends, chores and all other aspects of your life with a little more ease?

I’m sure I have a couple of you asking… “Ok.  I get it.  It’s my thoughts that are making me unhappy, not my husband.  What do I do?  I can’t help but think these thoughts about him.”

Oh, but you can!

First, you have to want to let go of those feelings.  If you want to hold on to the frustration and resentment, none of this will work.  Be truly honest with yourself. Maybe you just don’t want to change.  

In that case, I can't help you.  You have to want this.

But, if you’re like most women I know, you want to enjoy, love, care for, be excited about, laugh with and truly find joy with your husband.

If this is you, this exercise will be extremely helpful.  I want to use this verse.

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8”

Paul tells us what to do.  Here is how you need apply it.

Start at your husband's head and work your way down.  Think about his mental strengths, his hair, the shape of his head, etc. and thank God for everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy.  Then go to his face, then his mouth and so on and so forth.

Example:  I love my husband’s hair.  He has a full head.  When he first gets it cut I love running my hand up the back of his head.  It feels so good.  It’s really fun because he is starting to get grey hairs.  We laugh and joke about this together. He is so smart. Give him a math problem or some sort of puzzle to solve and he’ll figure it out. I love how analytical he is. I have big dreams, but he brings me back down to reality without squashing my goals.  He helps me sort out all the little details and makes things so much clearer.  Also, he is always cheering me on.   

You see my point. 

But this is exactly what you need to do when you start the spin cycle of those negative thoughts you have about your husband.

I was listening to a lady gush about how wonderful her husband was.  I started to get really jealous and upset.  I kept thinking, “Why can’t my husband be more like that?  He doesn’t do those things.  He won’t even consider doing that for me.”  

Then I realized, “Why don’t I talk about my husband like that?”

I can. He has so many amazing qualities.  That’s why I married him.

Plus, I need to.  God put this man into my life for a reason.  I’m doing God and him a total disservice by not being appreciative.  Not only that, but I’m making myself miserable in the process (not to mention my husband a lot of the time too).  

We are so ingrained to see the negative. We have to ACTIVELY WORK to see the positive. 

That is the hard work….but the best work.

One more thing.  I am FAR from perfect.  I still have a lot of work to do.  But, I have noticed when I really take the time to be diligent about appreciating my husband, he responds to me and my requests so much more positively.

He and I work so much better together when I do the work of changing my thoughts.

That's why you have to be the one to change.

It’s all worth it my friend.

Plus, your marriage deserves it.

I’d love to interact with you guys about your husbands.  It always feels so good to share some positivity.  If you would go to my Facebook page and take a peek at yesterday’s live video.  In the comments, share some true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy qualities about your husband.  Tag him in it too! Let him know what you think!