Mindset Makeover - Essential Two to Being the Best Mom for Your Kids!

**If you would like to listen to this blog post, scroll to the bottom for the audio version.

Week two of the Six Essentials Every Mom Needs to be the Best Mom for their Kids! 

This series is all about giving you the tools I have learned that made a HUGE impact on my life and how I parent.  But guess what?!  Even if you’re not a mom yet, these are still great tools the can change your life.

Essential Number Two:  Create a Positive Mindset for Yourself

I love definitions. So, I had to Google the definition of mindset.  It is kind of a buzz word but I really wanted to get to the root of it.  The definition is the established set of attitudes held by someone.

The phrase ‘established set of attitudes’ jumped out at me. So I went back to Google.  Establish means that it is set or has been around a long time. Attitudes are a way of thinking or feeling about someone or something. It is reflected in a person's behavior .

I want to put this all together for you.  Mindset then is a long held or set way of thinking or feeling that is reflected in our behavior. 

Why am I bothering to give this definition?  Well, I wanted you to show you that mindset doesn’t change quickly.  Your mindset is something that is developed over a period of time.  I also wanted to point out that how we think and feel is reflected in our BEHAVIOR.

Why is this important to parenting?  Well, take the behavior of yelling at your kid.  I’m using this example, because I know a lot of moms struggle with anger and frustration towards their kids.  Often, their action is to yell.  I also know that most of you don’t want to yell.  You feel guilty and miserable about it and know it is not effective way to parent.

[If you don’t yell, maybe you spank.  Or maybe you make mean, sarcastic remarks to your kids when you’re frustrated.  You can fill in the blank with any behavior that you feel guilty or miserable about.  It doesn’t even have to relate to parenting.]

How do I know? 

I was there. 

I was a yeller. 

I’m not saying just a few times.  I mean daily.

Writing this makes me feel embarrassed.  It is not something I like to share.  But I do think it is important that I tell you.  I’ve been there.  It is a mental and emotional struggle.  You feel out of control and helpless.  It seems like you just keep yelling more and more.  You get angrier and your children get angrier.  You start to see them acting the same way you do.  But you don’t know how to change it.  I knew all the bible verses.  I would plead with God in prayer. 

But still….I couldn’t change.

I’m here, momma, to tell you, I love you.  You are worthy.  You are enough.  You are the perfect mom for your child, even if you yell.

And, you can change.

How?

Make over your mindset by changing your thoughts.

Seems kind of silly?  I get it.  I thought that at first too. 

I finally realized though, I have control over the thoughts I want to think.  When I would come up with better things to say to myself, I would feel better.  When I felt better, my behavior was better. 

Do you remember when I talked about loving yourself last week?  If you didn’t read it. I pray you take the time to read or listen to it.

If you don’t love yourself and you say to yourself, “I’m not a good enough mom because my kids don’t behave”, you’re going to feel defeated.  If you feel defeated, it’s hard to think creatively or be able to see a different perspective.  You become very narrow focused on yourself and how terrible you feel. 

That terrible feeling leaves you fearful, alone and backed into a corner. 

What do dogs do when they feel scared, alone and backed into a corner… they bark loudly, angrily and even growl. 

A lot like us.

Now, lets say you tell yourself, “I am a good mom that have kids that are acting like kids.”  You feel confident and clear headed.  You aren’t looking only at yourself.  You may even be able to look at your kids behavior through their eyes and what they are feeling.  From there you are able love them, offer help and hold them accountable for their behavior. You set an example of care and love.

It all starts with our thoughts.  The thoughts we tell ourselves over and over again that create our mindset. 

I truly believe our thoughts originate from one of two places.  The first is from the Holy Spirit. 

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

 The thoughts from the Spirit are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy.  

The second place our thoughts originate from is the evil one.  He whispers lies into our ear.  These lies sound so true, but he is very good at twisting the truth.  These lies make us feel terrible and create destructive behaviors.

 So, if God give us one thought and Satan gives us another, why don’t we just think good thoughts from God?

Because, God gave us free will to choose.  We get to choose which one we get to keep thinking. We don’t choose the two original thoughts, but we choose the one we will focus on.  The thought we choose to keep thinking creates our mindset which then creates our actions (behaviors) and results.

You want to stop yelling at your kids?  Change your thoughts; especially about yourself.  But also change your thoughts about your kids.

Did you know kids are suppose to spill milk?  It’s how they learn to clean up messes.  Did you know your kids are suppose to say no when you ask them to pick up their toys?  It’s how they learn to challenge authority (Which is a good thing!  You want them to think for themselves; especially when they are teenagers under peer pressure.)  Did you know they are supposed to hit their siblings?  It’s how they learn to think about physical boundaries and putting themselves into another person’s shoes.  It also helps them learn to say they’re sorry and apologize (a great skill to have!).

What if every time your child made a mistake you told yourself, “This is exactly what was meant to happen it will be ok.  We will learn a lesson together.” 

Isn’t that statement so much more empowering than, “I’m a terrible mom and my kids don't ever behave.”

Because, guess what?  Kids are human.  They don’t behave. 

We don’t either.   

So why think negative, self-defeating thoughts about it that don’t help the situation?

I coach my clients through these kinds of situations just about every session.  I even have to coach myself more often than I’d like to admit.  So, please hear me when I say, I KNOW THIS DOESN’T COME EASY!  But, that is part of making a MINDSET.  It takes TIME to establish.  Prepare yourself for  a lot of stumbles on the path of change.

But, it can done.  It starts with practicing more positive thoughts, which will create more positive feelings.  Then it will create a more positive mindset and actions.

We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 NLT

How do you create a more positive mindset? Well, we have to “destroy every proud obstacle” and “capture rebellious thoughts” and “teach them to obey Christ”.

Here are the steps to do this:

1. Listen to what you are currently thinking about yourself and your kids.  WRITE IT DOWN.  It is powerful to see it on paper, to “capture it”.  Don’t hold back.  We all have some very terrible thoughts.  It’s better see them than to pretend they are not there.
2. Get curious about how these thoughts make you feel? Attach an emotion to each thought.
3. Decide if these are the emotions you want to feel. Do you want to be desperate, sad, angry, frustrated, scare, worried, tense, etc.? Or maybe you have positive feeling like happiness, joy, love, care, kindness. 
4. If you want to change the way your feel, pick some new thoughts. Pick a thought that feels good when you say it to yourself.  Some thoughts can be tricky and they may sound good, but they may not feel good.  This is part of “teaching them to obey Christ”.
5. PRACTICE the new thought BEFORE you get into a difficult situation with your child. The new thought won’t come right away, but keep practicing and soon, it will be your first thought and not your last. This is how you “destroy every proud obstacle”.  You learn a new path and destroy the old.
6. While you’re practicing the new thought, give yourself grace and keep apologizing to your kids.

I know I am making this sound easier than it is.  You’re right.  But the best things come with practice and dedication. 

If you want to stop a negative behavior, you need to practice a new way of thinking that leads to a new way of doing which then leads to a brand new mindset.

A life giving mindset.

Blessings Friends.

Do you need help with a difficult situation in your life.  Maybe with your kids or maybe just with yourself?  Sign up for a FREE 45-Minute coaching session with me here.