You SHOULD... - Essential Three to Being the Best Mom for Your Kids

**If you would like to listen to this blog post, scroll to the bottom for the audio version.

Week three of the six part series: Essentials every Mom Needs to be the Best Mom for their Kids.

If you missed the other two, you can find them here and here. 

I’m so excited for today’s topic!  Once I adopted this in my own life, I saw a huge change quickly.  I can't wait to share it with you.

Lets talk about ditching the “should”.

 So, what am I talking about here? 

You know the phrases…

• My husband should help out around the house.
• My kids should know by now to pick that up.
• My friends should call me on my birthday.
• My mother should want to watch my kids.

Don’t tell me you haven’t said something like this before.  I know you all have! And I have too!

I want you to see that we are talking about humans.  We are expecting these humans to take a certain action (i.e. helping, picking up, calling, wanting).  Basically, we, in our minds, are telling these humans what they need to do.  We have specific directions for them. 

Having directions for something is called a manual.  A manual is something that you get with a piece of furniture to tell you how to put it together.  Or you get a manual with your vehicle to tell you how to operate it. 

Objects have manuals. 

People don’t.

I always become curious when a new dad or mom says, “This baby should have come with a manual.”  It makes me smile. 

Why do they want a manual?  Because, they think all the answers are in a manual.  If they just look it up, they’ll know what action to take.  But, the real reason they want the manual is because of what they will FEEL. They think they will FEEL confident or satisfied that they can take care of that baby.

It really comes done to a FEELING. 

• If my husband helps around the house I’ll feel supported and appreciated. 
• If my kids pick up around the house I will feel listened to and in control. 
• If my friend calls me on my birthday I will feel loved.
• If my mother watches my kids I would feel cared for.

There is a huge problem with this though….

You are allowing other humans determine how you FEEL. Other humans that YOU CAN NOT CONTROL.  Why?  Because they do NOT follow manuals.  They make their own decisions.  They fail.  Then, you feel miserable, angry, upset, annoyed and so on.

Not only do we want to feel a certain way, we want to feel that way because we make how we feel mean something about us.

Here are some examples:

• My husband doesn’t help out so he doesn’t care. 
• My kids don’t pick up so I’m not a good enough mom to get them to listen. 
• My friend didn’t call because she doesn’t love me. 
• My mom won’t watch the kids so she doesn’t care about me and my family.

It's heartbreaking that we do this to ourselves.  Plus, most of the time it is so unconscious.  So, unconsciously we are making ourselves feel miserable.

What if we gave up manuals?  What if we gave up the should?  What if we just made requests but we DECIDED how to feel, no matter what the other person's actions are?

What if we focused on controlling our RESPONSES to how other people behave rather than controlling their behavior?

Hmmmmm…. Think about that one…

You know...

• You get to decide if you are going to annoyed if your husband doesn’t help out. 
• You get to decide if you are going to be frustrated with the kids if don’t pick up around the house. 
• You get to decide if you are going to be angry when a friend doesn’t call you on your birthday. 
• You get to decide to be let down when your mother doesn’t watch your kids.

You decide what to think and feel about it all.

Maybe you decide to think, “My husband doesn’t do a darn thing in the house but does all the yard work so I don’t have to.  I am fully capable and want to keep my house looking clean. I am going to feel determined and focused on what I need to do.” 

Or

“My kids are being kids.  Most kids don’t listen the when they are told to pick up.  I need to feel calm and confident so I can follow through with the consequence I have put into place.”

I’m sure you’re saying, “Yeah, right.  That makes sense but not really applicable. I can't decide how I feel. My husband should help, my kids should pick up, my friend should call and my mother should help out.  If I don’t let them know how I feel it won’t change.”

You’re partially right.  If you don’t let them know, it won’t change.  But, I bet you've talked to them about it already. 

Has it changed?  I'm guessing there hasn't been a change that lasted long term.

So, talking about it didn’t work.  Why do you then keep banging your head against the wall? 

The only person you can control is you.  God gave you the free will to make YOUR own choices and decisions.  You decide how you want to think and how you want to feel.

YES!  You can decide how you want to feel. (If you want to know how your thoughts and feelings effects your behavior, please read last week’s post about Mindset Makeover).

How do you get rid of the manuals then and just focus on directing you?

My best tips...

Live a life of curiosity.  

Ask yourself a lot of good questions in a very inquisitive manner. 

• What does my husband help out with?  What can I do to support him instead of him supporting me? 
• Why don’t my kids want to pick up?  How can I make this just a little bit more fun for them?  Where could I improve on discipline?
• What good reason could my friend have that she forgot or ran out of time?  
• How does my mom care for me in other ways?  What other activities could we do so she spends time with us? 

Do you see how good questions can change the whole perspective of the situation? 

When you start training your brain to ask positive questions, it seeks out positive solutions.  It also directs the focus away from what you think you want (the person to behave a certain way) to what you need  (to FEEL a certain way).  Often, when we see a different view of the situation, our feelings change.

As we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:18

Look for the unseen perspective.  Don’t look at the obvious and what your brain wants to dwell on (what evil one is whispering to you).  Instead, find what isn’t obvious to perceive. 

When you start looking for that, the whole world changes. 

Especially the people around you, like your KIDS.

I want to bring this back around to how this will make you a better mom. 

Simple. 

You stop letting others control how you feel.  You decide to feel  better everyday and bring more joy into your life.  You can parent from a confident, kind, caring, loving place.  The kids start to mimic your behavior.  You raise more confident, kind, caring and loving kids.

Sounds easy.  It's not.  It's worth it though.

Struggling with seeing a different perspective?  Do you feel in a rut of other people controlling how you feel?  Sign up for a FREE 45-minute coaching session here.